Home Sick

I am home sick. Well, I think thats what is it. There is just something safe about home. Or, at least it makes you feel safe. I don't know. So, basically I am sad and I am calling it home sick.

I live in an apartment that has a bed, a tv, a beach chair, a desk, a pot, a pan, some silverware and 4 plastic cups, bowls, and plates. This is definately a lot more than some people have. But, it flat out sucks. It does not feel like home to me at all. I cannot wait until I have the rest of my stuff. But then I worry... and wonder when I get all my stuff, am I going to feel any better?

I live far away from my family. I appreciate my family a lot more that I am 1,200 miles away. It was so much different when I lived two hours away... there were definately times when my family and friends came to visit in times when I needed someone. I could also drive home -- which I did a lot.

I always thought I was a pretty independent person, but moving here has made me realize that I depend on others a lot more than I thought. My family has helped me do almost everything in my life and I am more appreciative of all they have done for me. I almost feel lost without them here.

Then there are the babies. It breaks my heart that I don't see them. No matter what kind of a day I was having, if I saw the babies pure joy would fill my soul. I would do anything to have Mollie wack me in the face or pinch me and have Collin try to steal my cell phone.

My job is okay -- its not my dream job, but I honestly don't even know what my dream job is. I have an issue with confidence and sometimes I feel like I suck at my job. There is a girl at work, her name is Jill, she is a contracter that is leaving on Friday. But, she is amazing -- unbelievable knowledge and dedication to what she does. I've learned more from her than anyone else that works there -- and I am sad even after three days of working with her (she had Thursday and Friday off) that she will be leaving. I am worried I won't have a mentor there. Well, I won't. So, I will have to look for a mentor through the APTA (my professional assocation).

I worry about money pretty much 50% of the day. I constantly analyze what I am buying, how much money I have, how much money I will have, how many bills I have to pay. I have to start paying on my school loans in March. It won't be that bad. I hope. I looked at my information online -- but I have to call the AES (American Education Services) to understand everything more. They are helpful. I have 1/2 my loans consolidated with Key Bank, the other half the government still has.

I have been eating like crap - so I've gained about 4 pounds back, which sucks. But with all this change I am going back to bad habits again. I am hoping I can get back into things. Missing two weeks of weight watchers meetings didn't help. I went this week. I didn't like the leader much, but I can go to a different meeting.

I pretty much worry about everything. I think to myself I am pathetic. I have friends that have lived in different countries -- they did this, some multiple times. Italy, Australia, Costa Rica, New Zealand, Spain, Scotland, Nicaragua. I can barely move to Orlando, FL. I spoke with one of my friends, Lauren, currently Nicaragua -- she said I am doing just fine. She said once I quit worrying and let things happen life will be a lot easier. I know that, but I don't know how.

And then there is Shaun. His grandfather died early Friday morning. His "grandpop" was basically his father. He said to be earlier today that him and his grandpop had a bond that no one else had. He wanted him to be his best man -- he has said that to me before. I feel sad for him.

When it all comes down to it -- there isn't anything that is so bad in my life. There isn't. But, I feel bad. Sometimes I just want to come back to Ohio, but I won't. I need to learn to deal with my worries and deal with change. Just another challenge I have for myself.